


trying not to love you

by juliana_ravenclaw



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-13 14:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7979701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliana_ravenclaw/pseuds/juliana_ravenclaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saphael AU where you have the names of your soulmate and your enemy on your wrists but you don't know which is which.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Simon Lewis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ava_quinncurtis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ava_quinncurtis/gifts).



Most people told him he was one of the lucky ones. Raphael certainly didn’t think so.

 

It was considered rare for someone to have the full names of their enemy and soulmate on their wrists. Most people got only a first name, or a last name, or even a nickname. And if you were particularly unlucky, you just got initials. So when people saw Raphael’s names, they would say he had it easy.

 

Plus, Raphael knew who was who. ‘Louis Karnstein’, the vampire who had turned him all those years ago, was no doubt his worst enemy. He had died long ago, but Raphael still hated him incessantly.

 

It would therefore only make sense that ‘Simon Lewis’ was his soulmate. Raphael’s problem was that he couldn’t find him.

 

They said that fate would lead you to both your soulmate and your enemy, but fate was taking its sweet time with Raphael. 70 years, to be exact.

 

And yeah, Raphael literally had all the time in the world. But he worried that maybe his soulmate didn’t. He’d wasted too many wretched nights agonising over the fact that his soulmate might have already died. Did the universe take the Shadow world into account when they gave people their names at birth? Raphael hoped so.

 

+++

 

“I’ve found him.”

 

Raphael looked up at Lily lazily. “Feel free to elaborate.”

 

“Simon Lewis.”

 

Raphael gaped at her incredulously. “Are – ” he coughed, trying to quash the butterflies in his stomach, “Are you sure?”

 

Lily nodded excitedly, holding up her phone. On the screen was a blurry picture showing a list of the bands that would be playing at a local café in the next week.

 

09/08 - _Champagne Pandas - Simon Lewis and Maureen Brown_

Raphael tried to supress his nervous grin. “Okay… I’ll be busy September 8th.”

 

+++

 

Not once had Raphael agonised so much over what to wear. He knew he looked good in what he was wearing. He wasn’t worried about that. The real question was; did it look _right_? Did he look like someone his soulmate would want to talk to? Did he look like someone Simon Lewis would want to be with?

 

He didn’t know, of course, because he didn’t know what Simon Lewis was like. He liked music, obviously, enough to be in a band. What else could he assume from that? Nothing for sure.

 

Frustrated, he put on a casual but well-fitting jacket and walked out of his room, dismaying over the pile of clothes on his bed he would have to clean up later.

 

+++

 

The café was warm and homely. Raphael made himself comfortable in a spot near the back, where he had a clear view, but didn’t seem overeager. He finished the coffee he bought before they even came on, even though he could have sworn he had only been sipping it.

 

Then, a boy walked up on stage behind a girl with dark skin and Raphael’s internal clock malfunctioned, seeming to stop time. He could have sworn his heart skipped a beat as well, but that was ridiculous, because he was a vampire, and he most certainly didn’t have a heartbeat, even though he could’ve sworn he felt it flutter.

 

With a goofy grin, fluffy hair, and cute, round glasses, Raphael would have thought him perfect even if he didn’t play the guitar beautifully and have a voice Raphael could listen to for hours without complaint.

 

_Trying not to love you, only goes so far_

_And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart_

_Can’t see the silver lining, from down here on the floor_

_And I just keep on trying, but I don’t know what for_

_Cause trying not to love you_

_Only make me love you more_

Raphael is enraptured by the end of the song, and wakes from his daze only when Simon strums the final chords and is met with an enthusiastic cheer from the audience, particularly from one girl down the front. Raphael claps along politely, hoping destiny would decide to be kind to him tonight.

 

He walks up to the stage to talk to Simon before he realises he doesn’t know what he wants to say yet.

 

“Hello,” ends up being his big first words to his soulmate. He swallows and gets caught off guard as Simon turns to him, beaming as if he were on a toothpaste commercial, evidently still high on the adrenaline from the performance. “I – I just wanted to say that you played beautifully tonight.”

 

“Really? You think so? Thanks! You know, I haven’t really had much experience being in front of people, so every time I go up there, it’s like, really nerve-wracking. And I mean, I think I’m getting better at it, though. Because at first, when we first started performing songs, I would finish, and people would come up to me and be like, ‘Hey, that was good,’ but it never really sounded genuine, you know? Like, I’m glad they were being all encouraging and everything, it’s just that now I really feel like people mean it when they say things like that, so it’s really nice to hear, you know what I mean?” He took a deep breath, trying to recover from his excited ramble.

 

Raphael looked at him with a small smile. “I believe I do.”

 

“And it’s just so great, you know, cause I love music so much, and I love being able to share that kind of thing with people and have them appreciate it just as much as I do, and then for them to tell me that, it’s just the greatest…”

 

Raphael bit his lip to stop his smile from growing as he continued to speak. Simon Lewis was an adorably nervous person who used hand gestures way too much. Which was lucky for Raphael, because it allowed him to catch a glimpse of the names on his wrists without being too obvious.

 

On his right, ‘ _Morgenstern’_. On his left, ‘ _Santiago’_.

 

It was difficult for Raphael to stop himself from beaming.

 

Subconsciously tugging on his own sleeves to make sure his wrists were still covered by his jacket, Raphael nodded, passively agreeing with whatever Simon was babbling on about, overly aware of the squirming feeling in his stomach.

 

It was when Simon finally decided to take another breath that he decided to pause and slow the stream of words tumbling out of his mouth. “I’m sorry I’m rambling, I’m still a bit hyped from the performance,” he smiled, going a light shade of red. He held out his hand. “I’m Simon.”

 

Raphael nodded and shook it, like that name hadn’t haunted him his whole life. “Raphael.”

 

There was a brief silence as Raphael considered what to say next. “Would you… uh – like to get a dri – ”

 

“Simon!” A red-headed girl ran up to them and flung herself into Simon’s arms. Raphael took a step back. “You were amazing! I was so proud,” she exclaimed.

 

Simon hugged her back tightly. “Did you really think so?”

 

“Yeah, definitely!”

 

“Thanks, Clary,” he said to her, love and adoration clear in his voice and eyes. Then he remembered Raphael was there, too. “Uh, this is Raphael. Raphael, this is Clary.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Raphael.”

 

Raphael smiled politely, but she turned back to Simon before he had a chance to reply. “We _have_ to go celebrate tonight. That was your best performance yet.”

 

Raphael bit his lip and glanced away while Clary continued, though he couldn’t hold his gaze from Simon for too long. “Anyway, I was thinking I could redo your logo tonight. I have this great idea for a new design that I think would work way better with the name.”

 

“Yeah, yeah of course, I can’t wait to see it.” Simon replied, hanging onto Clary’s every word as they continued to converse.

 

Eventually, Raphael realised he had been staring at Simon too long. Not that Simon had noticed (because Clary was there), but he felt a bit awkward not having contributed to the conversation in so long, so he cleared his throat, and said briskly, “I’m so sorry. I’d love to stay and chat, but unfortunately, I have to go. See you around, Simon.”

 

+++

 

Raphael ran the whole way home without breaking a sweat, as vampires do. He shut his bedroom door behind him, hoping no one would come disturb him as he wallowed in self-pity for a few hours.

 

Shoving the pile of clothes off his bed, he climbed in, ignoring the nagging voice telling him he would have to iron them all again now.

 

But, of course, Lily came in to ask him how it went.

 

“It was horrible. Leave me alone.”

 

Lily rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you’re blowing it _way_ out of proportion. What happened?”

 

“He’s in love with this girl,” he grumbled from underneath the pillow he was using to hide his face.

 

Lily laughed. “Really? Did he tell you that?”

 

There was small silence. “Don’t laugh.”

 

“Did he?”

 

“No…”

 

“Okay, how do you know then?”

 

Raphael felt stupid saying, “It looked like it.”

 

Lily sighed. “Did you see his names?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And?”

 

“Morgenstern and Santiago.”

 

Raphael was met with an eye roll. “So you’re _fine_.”

 

He still looked unconvinced, though Lily failed to understand why.

 

“Did you tell him about your names?”

 

“No. I didn’t get the chance before – ”

 

“Before you got scared and ran?”

 

“I did not get scared, I simply saw it was my time to leave – ”

 

“Raphael!”

 

He looked up at her sulkily as she took a deep breath.

 

“Look, if he’s got _Morgenstern_ on his arm, he’s obviously a part of the Shadow world, so it’s not like that’s going to be a problem.”

 

Raphael merely grunted in response.

 

“And he’s got _Santiago_ , so clearly you guys are meant to be.”

 

“ _Santiago_ ’s not an uncommon name.”

 

“Oh my God, Raphael. He is your soulmate. Your arm obviously indicates so. Go back there and ask him out!”

 

“But the girl, Clary – ”

 

“So what? Even if he is in love with her, he’ll get over her and see that you were _literally_ destined for him.”

 

“And if they’re wrong? If the names don’t actually work for me? That’s happened to people before, you know.”

 

“You won’t know until you try! And of course it’s not going to work if you turn down every opportunity the universe throws at you,” Lily pulled the covers off Raphael and held him up by his jacket with her damn vampire strength, much to Raphael’s dismay. “Listen to me. I know you’re smart. But right now you’re being an idiot. Go take a chance on him. At least then you can’t say you didn’t try.”

 

Raphael squirmed out of her hold. He hesitated for a moment more, then conceded. “Fine.”

 

“Great. But don’t stay out too long, I think Camille needs your help with something today.”

 

Raphael raced back to the café as fast as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, notes to anyone else who may have stumbled across this. 
> 
> I know the allure of this kind of Soulmate AU is that you don't know who is who, but just wait. I will get to that. In future chapters. That I will hopefully write soon. Because I really love this story and have it all planned out and really want to continue it. Also, I know Raphael is a little bit OOC, but there is reasons for that and you should understand if you keep reading when I update. One more thing is that I have not read the books, which means I don't actually know what Lily Chen is like, but she's in all the other fics and I needed someone to smack some sense into Raphael. AngstyTeengaer!Raphael was really fun to write, by the way. He's so cute when he's grumpy and heartbroken. 
> 
> Song is Trying Not To Love You by Nickleback, chosen by Ava. Their band name is also chosen by Ava. 
> 
> ANYWAY ENOUGH OF THAT
> 
> TO MY GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, KIND, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, AWESOME FRIEND AVA:
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU GIANT NERD, I LOVE YOU. 
> 
> Seriously, I cherish every moment we spend together making up fluff about our draybies. You always manage to cheer me up when I'm down, even if you don't know it, and I always feel better when I'm talking to you. Enjoy your birthday, you deserve it so much. Thank you for being an amazing friend and parabatai. 
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Juliana xo
> 
> P.S. Congrats on being able wrangle this out of me early.


	2. Morgenstern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Morgenstern, Clary. Your dad is Morgenstern? I’ve been searching my whole life for this name and you’re telling me the answer was you all along?”

“I couldn’t live without you, Simon.”

 

“Say that again.”

 

“I couldn’t live without you.”

 

Simon felt his heart pound soundly in his chest as he kissed Clary on the cheek. “Come on, let’s go home,” she said. 

 

They returned to the Institute, which was apparently Clary’s only home now, and were allowed to have a room to themselves where they could recover.

 

“I’m so glad this is all over,” Clary said, hugging Simon for about the millionth time since they had been reunited. Simon wasn’t complaining, though. “I have so much I need to tell you about. But,” she looked at him cautiously, “did you want to go first?”

 

“Uh… yeah, sure,” he glanced back at her, wondering where to start. “Izzy probably told you the start. We went back to the van so I could show her the video you took the other night. You know, the Nickelback cover at the café?”

 

Clary nodded, listening intently.

 

“Yeah, so, I think we must have heard something outside, so she went to go check, and then all of a sudden I was kidnapped by those vampires.” He paused as Clary looked at him guiltily. “Not your fault. But anyway, after dangling me from that tower thing, they took me back to their evil lair, and put me in this holding cell. It was _really_ weird. I mean, seriously, the place was like, straight out a movie. It was dark, with all these coffins everywhere, and old antique vases, and then, bam!

 

“In walks the vampire, Raphael, and I was like, really freaking out. Seriously, I thought he was gonna kill me!” He bit his lip sheepishly. “But, to be honest, I just couldn’t get over how stereotypically vampirish he looked! With the pale skin, and dark hair, the long fingernails and the fangs – ”

 

“Simon, I’m _sure_ your exaggerating.”

 

“No, I swear I’m not. Don’t laugh!” he exclaimed, trying not to crack a smile himself.

 

This whole introduction to the Shadow world thing was so ridiculous that he couldn’t help but try to make light of it.

 

“Seriously, Clary, he was a little shorter than I expected him to be, but really, he looked so much like those Hollywood vampires. He had, like, that evil-villain-handsomeness, and really red lips, like he’d just been drinking blood.” Clary giggled. “He looked so much like he had just walked off a movie set; I almost felt like I’d seen him before from all the vampire movies I’ve seen.”

 

Clary rolled her eyes. “Really? I think maybe – ”

 

She stopped suddenly, looking concerned when she saw Simon’s mouth had fallen open in shock.

 

“What? What is it, Simon?”

 

“He… he looked familiar. I think… I _have_ seen him before.”

 

“What? Where? Has he tried to hurt you in the past?”

 

“No… No, nothing like that. He... came up to me after a show, and told me I’d sung beautifully.”

 

+++

 

“ _How could you let them get away?_ ”

 

Raphael tugged on his jacket sleeves and lifted his gaze to meet Camille’s fierce one. “They tricked me. I nearly burnt to death,” he said briskly.

 

“What a shame,” Camille deadpanned. Raphael stayed silent. She huffed. “Leave. I’ll deal with you later. Right now we have a Shadowhunter to track down.”

 

Raphael left the room swiftly, and Lily joined him soon after.

 

“Raphael! Wait up,” she quickly caught up with him. “What happened?”

 

Raphael refused to say a word until they were in the room farthest from Camille’s quarters. Only then did he let his shield down to reveal his regret. “That was him, Lily. The mundane. It was Simon Lewis.”

 

+++

 

“You mean to tell me that this Raphael guy stalked you or something before he kidnapped you? Did the vampires know about me being a Shadowhunter back then?”

 

“Well... maybe, but I don’t think it’s like that. He didn’t seem suspicious or anything that night, I think he was just there to listen to us play.”

 

Simon now begrudgingly regretted the brief moment he had thought Raphael was cute that night.

 

“That’s such an unlikely coincidence, though.”

 

“I mean, he didn’t recognise me, or, at least, didn’t acknowledge that he recognised me. Actually, maybe he did. I’m not sure. I was a little bit...woozy... for most of the time.”

 

Clary frowned angrily. “Did they _drug_ you?”

 

“No! Well, yes. I mean, no, not really, but kind of.”

 

He was met only with raised eyebrows.

 

“I... let – well, not really let. One of the vampires, Camille; she’s the like the head vampire or whatever. I think she’s a bit of a tyrant, personally, very demanding – ”

 

“ _Simon_.”

 

“Right, sorry. Yeah, well, she... bit me.”

 

Clary’s face fell. “Oh, Simon. I’m so sorry I let that happen,” she said, pulling him into another hug.

 

“There’s was nothing you could’ve done. Besides, I was basically out of it after that, so it’s not like I had time to be scared or anything. Oh! And tried to kill Raphael by throwing this knife at him. It was a really good throw, by the way, got him right here, but it didn’t really do much, and he seemed more pissed off about his jacket than anything.”

 

Clary stared at him, perplexed. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

 

Simon laughed openly. He was glad he and Clary could still talk comfortably like this after everything that had happened, even if their topics of conversation were slightly more weird than usual.

 

“Anyway, there’s not much more for me to tell, because you were there for my rescue, so what about you? What happened with the Silent Brothers?”

 

“Oh! They, uh... didn’t help me get any of my memories back, that’s for sure. But... turns out the big bad guy who kidnapped my mother and is like, the mortal enemy of basically everyone here, Valentine Morgenstern, is... my biological father.”

 

Clary had expected him to be shocked, or feel sorry for her, like everyone else had. Instead, Simon just looked confused. “Did you say... Morgenstern?”

 

“Yeah, he’s apparently my dad.”

 

Simon looked down at his arm.

 

+++

 

“Is that why you let him go? Because you accidentally kidnapped your soulmate and was going to use him as a bargaining tool with the Shadowhunters?”

 

“It’s more complicated than that, Lily,” Raphael sighed. “Yes, I didn’t want him here. At least, not when he was in the clutches of Camille. But... I would have done that anyway. What Camille is doing... declaring _war_ on the Shadowhunters...”

 

“I know.”

 

“She can’t keep doing this. She’s endangering the clan.” He was already speaking softly, but he dropped his volume even lower, if that was possible. “And she touched Simon Lewis.”

 

+++

 

“ _Morgenstern_ , Clary. Your dad is _Morgenstern?_ I’ve been searching my whole life for this name and you’re telling me the answer was _you_ all along?”

 

“It’s not me, Simon, it’s my father – ”

 

“But it could be you! Technically. This means your name is _supposed_ to be Morgenstern. If you’d had a normal life, you would’ve taken his name, Clary.”

 

“Simon – ”

 

“Maybe the names don’t consider the Shadow world. Maybe it’s just whatever it was _supposed_ to be. Maybe that’s why the names don’t work for some people. It makes sense, right?”

 

He didn’t wait for her answer.

 

“I’ve always known we were meant to be best friends, Clary. This just means we’re meant to be soulmates as well,” he said, grabbing her hands.

 

Clary squeezed tightly for a moment, then let go. “Simon, please don’t get ahead of yourself. I love you, you know that, but I just don’t think you should be so sure about this,” she said gently.

 

Simon’s face fell slightly, considering her words.

 

“I’m not the only Morgenstern out there. And besides, even if the name _was_ referring to me, it could just mean I’m your enemy,” she joked, cracking a smile.

 

Simon brightened and laughed. “Yes, of course, I’d better watch out for when you betray me instead.”

 

“And unless you also have a last name that starts with ‘M’ that I don’t know about too, you’re not my soulmate either, Simon.” She held out her hands and turned them over so he could have a better view of the tattoos on her wrists as well, holding the one that had the initials ‘S.M.’ higher for emphasis. “But you’ll always be my best friend, Simon. No soulmate is going to change that.”

 

Simon smiled and nodded. “You’re right. Thanks, Clary.”

 

He left the Institute that night, his mind reeling. For years, he had wanted so desperately for one of his names to be Clary’s.

 

When they were eight, and had gotten ‘engaged’, they had both crossed out the names on their wrists with a sharpie and scribbled on each other’s, fiercely wishing for the ink to never wash off. And although the permanent marker stayed on long enough to annoy both their mothers, it faded eventually, and the name ‘Morgenstern’ instead reclaimed its rightful place on Simon’s right wrist, while the initials ‘J.W.’ returned to Clary’s.

 

Now, he realised, he didn’t _need_ to cross out the name. It was already hers. He just needed to convince her that this was meant to be. To him, it didn’t matter that she didn’t have his name. Sometimes the tattoos worked like that. Sometimes, they were wrong. And Simon knew for sure, in his heart, that his were right, and he was meant to be with Clary.

 

He glanced down at his left wrist. _Better watch out for this ‘Santiago’ guy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to you this fic is still Saphael. As you can see, I've added 'Slow Burn' to the tags, because man, will this be slow (sorry, blame Simon's obliviousness). 
> 
> Also, sorry it's come so late and is a little short. I started this chapter like three separate times, because I was worried it was a bit redundant. I struggled a bit with this one, and I'm a little unsure of it. I think I might've made some mistakes with the timeline of like when SImon learn Raphael's full name, and how Simon and Clary don't really talk after the kidnapping and stuff. So some constructive feedback would be great if you have any suggestions on how to improve!
> 
> Thank you to all the lovely people who commented last chapter, and all the Kudoses!


End file.
